Angry Moody, Bad feelings and confessions...

So here it is, the end of another week. 2 weeks I am not sure. It has been hectic...

So to start off, It was suggested to be to put my middle child into a mental health hospital for a short term visit.....many of you may wonder why. esp those of you who know us personally..
WELL He has a mental health issue... and before you get all hauled off with your natural  food fixes and blah blah blah, shut up!
I pray constantly for and about my son.. what is best for him and us as a whole family.. I assure you that I as His mother knows what is best for him.. and I am doing so..
He is having huge rages... no details, but it is getting harder for me to handle... My husband has little tolerance, as he does not understand still that my son does not always have the ability to control his actions..
I am not letting my sons diagnosis allow him to get away with anything... but some days, It feels as if I have to choose my son, or the rest of my family.. No parent should have to choose this...It is the worst possible feeling.. how can you pick the line between enabling or helping? he is nearly 10 years old and the last thing I want is for him to grow up not only hating himself, but hating me or the world...
We teach him all about Heavenly Father, and Jesus and all the lessons in life you teach for your children to be healthy and well adjusted...
My issue is I grew up with a very controlling, yelling screaming, spanking, hitting, whipping, family...
So many times I find myself falling into the want/need to control my sons every actions! HOW HORRID! I yell, embarrassing but the sad sad truth..I am working on this issue, not just me by myself  but with my husband, my children and several outside sources.. But Especially with my Heavenly Father...


I hate being stuck in the middle of everything.. being stuck in between what I know, what I do not and things I have no answer for.. These past couple years we have come out of our mind numbing stupor and joined in the more intelligent question asking dark side :) what a wonderful place this is!   so far we have changed our parenting step by step.. NO my sons issues did not suddenly appear as we have been attempting these changes. IN fact we are hoping to reduced them..
we have reduced our gluten intake.. we have started switching from sugar to other options..BTW it is horrid that the best foods for you are the most expensive!
Also I do not care how many people you feed on what... and what you think I should do.. AGAIN this is where being the mother in this family means I should know what is best for my family..
Anyways.. it has been more changes and adjustments.. tons of research..and setbacks...

On the up note! I have been able to sub different age groups in the childrens primary at my church. I found out I love it! LOL last week it was the children who were turning 8. This week it is the ones just older, I think.. Also I am feeling a bit more confident about being the coordinator for the Young Women's camp coming in June..although I still feel like I do not get to do anything :( I was looking forward to something more?) but I do not know what that was.
We rescued a dog off the street, cleaned her up and unfortunately turned her in, but at least she was not going to get hit by a car.. I but several positive messages to long time friends on Facebook, hoping to cheer up their day..and fit into a pair of jeans that used to be way tight..
You know the kind, lay on the bed, suck in your gut, and pray the zipper goes up without pinching the fat! LOL went on without a hitch!  Also My daughter and I had a chance to go to a Christian woman's salad supper..
the lesson/message was, We are daughters of a king! well DUH!

I am thankful that through the bad, i can still see the good...

Till next time..

Baggage, to heavy to carry, to confusing to drop?

it is funny  how the little things in life can either make or break your day...

I am in major process of redefining and finding myself! talk about hard! looking into your true self and picking apart the little things that bug you, figuring out where they came from, and how to get rid of them... UGGG

I have tons of baggage in my system... from my childhood, where my mother was deathly ill and my sisters and I were alone alot..( back then there were no "rules") I was responsible enough, but we fought tons! Physical fights, yelling screaming, pushing shoving.. I thought boys were supposed to be bad! We fought dirty, and I am proud to say I was not always on the losing end! LOL
 Trama from the reality that at age 12 my mother could of died, and in fact was in a coma for over a week... Living with strange people while my father sat in the hospital with her..

Fragments of memories, that seem to have no pattern, or reason for being there....some are good some are bad..

Baggage from my past relationships... which sadly still haunt me today... 
Healing is HELL.. ya I said it.. HELL.. Not that I know everything, but that is the strongest word that you the general public would get..
Stupid things can trigger panic, and flashbacks... smells, certain colors, sounds.. I never know when one will hit.. sometimes it is a happy one which i love because it is usually something I forgot to remember :)..other times painful..
I am learning tons about forgiveness... getting easier to forgive the ugly in the past... harder to forgive myself for past mistakes...
My bishop told me the other day, the past is done, you have paid your price and did what you could to make it right.. Quit bringing it up again! he is right.. but how to convince myself to just let it go???

guess that is why LIfe is a learning cycle.. Keep doing till you get it right!  

After it is all said and done, at the end of the day, I know that I am strong! I am able to make do, and can function with out worldly garbage.. I can resourceful, creative, and can say NO when needed.. I am able to ask those questions, all of them, and admit when I am wrong, as painful as that is....

I guess all the baggage I have has made me a pretty good person when it comes down to it..
excuse my rambling words, sometimes you just have to get it all out, even if it only makes sense to you

What is HOME?

 HOME. what a funny little four letter word that can mean so many different things to so many different people.
Is it where your house is? Is it where all your stuff is? Is it where you grew up or where your parents live?

With all the places we have lived and all the things we have been through, I have been longing for home.. Peace....belonging..

Guess what hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I should have realized this years ago.. Home is where my kids and husband are! so silly and simple in my case.. I have struggled to find that sense of home.. where we fit in and belong... searching for people who "get us"
WELL DUH I live with the best people in the world. they get me and love me( amazing) and accept me for who I am and I accept and love them right back. What a wonderful blessing from Our Heavenly Father!

Here we are all at a park.. Playing and swinging and on the see-saw thing.. Laughing and enjoying each others company.. NO time schedule, no rules.. NO pressure.. People looked at us.. OH well.. It was windy, and almost chili outside...but we had fun..
While I was taking these photos and others is when "HOME" hit me, right in the heart...I am so thankful that The Lord blessed me with this!

 SO next time I feel left out, forgettable, lonely, or hating the world.. I will try to sit back and remember  I am always HOME.. and there I will always be understood and loved.

Slow down and Look at your "home" is it what you thought it was??? I know that mine was not..and I am glad I found that out!

WE are supposed to be here!

It has been a crazy few weeks here in my home. We have taken our children out of the public form of education. WE had a huge sewer issue, plumbers and the city ended up getting involved, and looks like the gas company may have to pay for all the work done, as they put a hole in the city sewer line for the gas line!

We have had dinners at church members homes, I have started walking every Wednesday night with a friend, made a boy scout derby car and  spent some time strengthening our family. Joe and I have received new callings in the church as well! I now co teach the 5 yr old class..on the first day the most energetic boy sat with me and listened.. they all had hugs for me when It was time to go home. what a great feeling. Joe is going to be Scout leader.. Tx is very excited to have Joe in charge and I know it will be a great bonding activity for them..

My daughter and I had some " adventures in Hair Dye" it was bright Gold, then Orange and now finally more like a copper color! it was fun and I am glad we settled on a color I could let her live with..The boys and I have been baking! yes I let my 4 and 9 yr olds loose in the kitchen! they are becoming pros at Banana bread and Brownies... Not the healthiest but they enjoy it and are learning all about measuring and fractions....
We also have decided to try transitioning to a gluten free diet, and adding more grains to our diet... It is a world of change at our home!

As for me... well I have been a bit depressed or freaked out or something... I have been doing a lot of the driving lately, and I think the underlying fears from my past are bugging me big time.. I am considering trying a new kind of therapy, something I have never tried before..but have read tons of great reviews about.. I know several people who have tried or are using this system.. I prayed about it and as soon as I am feeling up to the drive I am doing it.. More on that later.

Joe is doing wonderful at his JOB!! In fact he is now going to be trained for a new position and that will mean a better pay. More money will help up catch up with everything, and hopefully enable us to get moved soon, as the place we are in is NOT the place for us.. however we are STILL thankful to be where we are..

I am not able to express enough how grateful I am that we landed in a safe place, and that their was a house available for us and that the home owner let us in with out question, even the pets... the Lord Did indeed need us here! And I am so thankful that we had Faith enough to Listen when he said for us to go..

Until next time.... May the LORD Bless you...

Sitting the fence

It's just another day doot doot dit doo doo the house is messy kids are mad. Need to grocery shop real bad..laundry piled up on the floor and the baskets are over flowing...Yep it's just another day.

I am having a huge issue with public school systems... AGAIN.  Seems like the more they try to change and create better systems.. they end up with programmed little robots..Yes I said Robots, the input goes in, and they are expected to put out on the test exactly what they were told... NO room for independent thinking.

Now yes my children currently are enrolled in the public system. However every day I strive to un-school what BS they learned, trying to keep in the basics of math and sciences.  I did try homeschooling my children for most of last fall, from about October till Feb this year when we landed here in our new state..

I basically sent them back for 2 main reasons, among others, one being that my children were not respecting me as a teacher, and 2 I was losing my temper more than I like...
I have been doing more research and realized that I was probably over thinking the "home=school" ideas. I really think I was trying to make it to much like School, and I found my self irritated when they did not get the assigned work finished.
Now do not get me wrong, I am teaching my children everyday.. In fact I noticed that on the average day or weekend I was actually "teaching" my kids tons of things! How to cook, properly clean. how to bargain shop, use less, be green, create new meals.. We did crafts used our imaginations, went to the library..a small air plane museum, tons of online videos of how its made, and even dirty jobs doing more research online..
we star gaze compare how one breed of cow or animal is better or worse for different jobs.. and there is so much more I want to teach them! Not to mention our beliefs and moral standards, choosing the right staying chaste, and esp having integrity ( look up the word, not many people have it)

I feel Like I am teaching them more than their teachers do, my issue is in the world the way it is made.. IF I do not keep my kids in some form of mind numbing schools, how will they get into a real job?? so many work places demand "college degrees" for jobs any numb nut off the street could learn how to do!

It feels like basically I am stuck in limbo... Not only am I concerned with that issue, I am concerned with keeping my own sanity IF my children come home school again..Yet the "show" put on by my sons school all about famous people and facts of this state pissed me off, because that is thousands of OUR dollars spent teaching 350 4th graders useless BS they will never use again..

So basically as much as I hate to admit it, I am a fence sitter... I know this will irritate many of you, and several of you will try to explain your point of view for pros or cons of whatever way you choose to educate your children...I do appreciate positive grown up replies!  So for now it is time to hit the shower, get ready for dinner, my daughter has a friend over and surprisingly they are all up stairs doing who knows what.. even the boys pretty sure it is make overs..
Besides I need to pray some more about sitting the fence, it is not very comfortable...

NEXT!

 right now I am sitting in my living room coughing and trying to breathe better.. Kids are at school husband and youngest are napping.. it is peaceful and quiet and is about to end because in about 20 minutes I have to wake them to get going to Dr appointments.

So what has happened.. what has not happened! so lets start on a peaceful freezing Tuesday evening right before bedtime...OUR Darn stove pipe on our basement wood stove falls off! Of course it has a roaring fire in it, as we were getting ready for bed.. My husband is down there trying to put the thing back on, smoke is filling the house, i am rushing around opening doors and windows, getting the kids up and locked in my room with towels under the door, they actually ended up in my closet with rags on their faces..
I go down stairs to try to get the dam pipe on, to find out it is rusted and broken off! again smoke is still pouring out no place to take logs as their is no external exit from this basement... we had to toss water on the fire to get it out to get the smoke out of the house! OF course even more smoke and it is billowing everywhere, Joe and I can not see to get out of basement... youngest is crying because his eyes hurt, they are too afraid to go outside by themselves, and they were already in Pj's, thank the Lord it was not worse.... NO fans to be found to push smoke out, only a very small natural gas heater on the far wall of the living room to attempt to keep a 4 bedroom 2 story home warm. we slept in the living room all smashed together on the floor with all the blankets.. some how they slept, I meanwhile was staying up to be sure everyone was ok and no more smoke appeared...

Of course we all had massive headaches, congestion and dizziness come to find out that we all got carbon monoxide poisoning  OOHHH I am pissed. of course our lovely landlord comes at 9 am the next day to attempt to fix the issue. Raised a fit because he had to purchase a new stove pipe.. and it took him till 1pm to get it attached because he is a "man" and would not take direction from anyone... Ya I gave him a piece of my mind about him being a slum lord and having to take care of things.. blah blah blah...
so I finally get the fire back and working thank heaven because Wednesday night brought the ice storm.
NO school on Thursday or Friday, I am  guessing with all the partial melt off we had 3 inches of ice not counting all the snow. ccoold!
Kids fought like crazy all weekend, mainly because we are all still sick, and the huge boredom factor of being stuck inside because it is to cold to do anything.

church was peaceful on Sunday, ended up being a substitute for the 3-4yr old children's class. I loved it even if they did end up taking turns playing Mr Potato head on my phone. We came home changed our clothing and went to our friends for dinner, and to pick up another donation to our family. Which means we took the trailer with us.. First thing that happens is Joe overshoots a driveway to turn around in and gets our van stuck in a ditch, not just a little, NOOO because he is a "man" and can not listen to anyone when they suggest stop so it is not worse, nooo they know how to freaking drive! ya ya ya, we were stuck up to the running board on the back end!
Kids and I went into the house and left it to the "men" to get unstuck, I had enough for one day.. dinner was nice, LOVE her homemade wheat rolls! and the chair we picked up is comfy too..
OH and Joe has a job. not a perfect job but  job enough to help make the ends meet a bit closer in the middle.. thank the Lord for that...
So we are still here, ready and waiting for whatever comes at us....
NEXT

2 weeks later.....

So today is the 2 week in Missouri mark.. What a hectic two weeks! The house is cleaned up and organized as much as I can get it organized. However every time i think it is done enough, I find or acquire some new shelf or thingy that makes things better. Hooray for that but booger cause I am the one re arranging so our life it better. Seems like these past two weeks I have put things away at least 3 times..both good and annoying as Hockey sticks cause it seems the work is never done..

 Any way.....The person who owns the home we are in kept telling us about his other home and how much we will love it, kept mentioning big fire place white picket fence in the country. Talking all about the basement, big kitchen blah blah blah.. So finally we consented to "looking" at the home and I spoke with the woman who lived there with her 4 kids.. she had nothing nice to say about the house, saying the landlord would not fix anything.. giant rats in all the walls and cockroaches.. all I saw was her garbage all over the yard.
Our landlord kept up badgering us with looking so we looked at it with him what were we thinking...

HOLY COW! The stink slams you in the face the second you enter the front door. Filth and garbage and left over food all over the place.Some sort of nasty looking stuff on most of the walls.. Black mold in kitchen, laundry and part of living room. layers of grime and filth on counter and stove, which was missing several knobs. We are literally stepping over and around piles of just  unbelievable stuff, while he goes on and on about how nice this place is and he is going to fix it up before we move in...

I am thinking to myself this guy is nuts and the home is a dump.. I am politely looking around I finally get to the bedrooms.. One is half full of believe it or not CLEAN laundry. The other had 4 twin mattresses in it. They were clean unstained and not holed up or anything.
What a strange thing to find in all the other examples of what kind of people they were..
I could go on and on with details, but if you have ever seen what bad people leave behind you know what I am talking about..the point is that we were welcome to the beds and clothing IF we helped clean it all up..
It took us 2 hours just to clean up the filth in the house, mind you this is with  4 people helping!
We ended up with 3 twin beds(no box springs for 2) a couple of shelves/stands and an awesome family sized crock pot. OH and the bonus gift the nasty kitchen stove!

Beds cleaned up with out an issue, disinfectant and febreeze and they are like new spring air mattresses . Kids are happy because they had been sleeping on futons on the floor.. So re arranging the home AGAIN. the stands cleaned up well and went to the kids rooms ( did I mention they are upstairs) for their things.

drug the futon cushions down, went outside and considered the "stove"
After about an hour of trying to get the pans clean and the top with the knobs, the land lord comes to get us new pans! I was a bit pissed cause he had not mentioned that when we picked it up. he came back with knobs and pans. so I was glad..
It took about 3 more hours to get is where it was usable .. literally 3 hours. It was if no one had cleaned it in years....but finally we have a working stove! now this seems silly to be happy about, but I have literally not had a working stove for nearly 2 years. I have used an electric skillet, a medium sized crock pot and 2 plug in burners to cook all our meals...
My list of "to bake" is near a mile long! LOL but I am thankful that we have one that works..

As far as the clothing goes,, we found several shirts and a few shorts and jeans for my youngest.. A couple T shirts for my 9 year old and shorts. 2 t shirts for my daughter even a skirt for myself. Not to bad for sorting it and passing it forward..

the list of small blessings that have come into our life here is amazing. Everything has been free or near free, near meaning we work in exchange for somethings..
I never thought we would end up like this, but even though I was scared as hell ( shoot I said hell :) when things went south, I think I am glad we landed here. Now if only we can find work...
I promise I will get the "family" tab filled out soon..Thanks for reading.

Even the best made plans CRASH

GRRRRR AAAAHHHHH bleepinn bleep bleep!
Ok so if you could not tell I am VERY angry, but trying hard to get over it...
Lets start at the beginning of your travels.  IT took a bit longer than I expected... I had more stuff than I thought, so things got left behind..and we were still smashed in the van and the trailer was full, well sort of.. I do not know why Joe did not stack things as I suggested, meaning double stack the totes I packed.. then everything I needed would be here!

SOOO the property I was so excited about, the one I had researched and knew of several people who had purchased their property through the same company... WHAT A LIE!
 was supposed to be able to access my property by car. NOT  They showed a photo of a mall sink hole type area with garbage in it.. If only that were the case! TRY a HUGE GULLY with long trenches and drop offs full of trash!
ALSO we were supposed to be able to swap equity if we did not like the property, meaning we could switch our land and continue payments thus owning a different piece of land... WRONG the guy was a jerk! refused to allow us to trade, refused to reimburse us, refused to hold our deposit until another property became listed.. this is just the top of this battle! I am going to the BBB and getting a lawyer..

NOW back to the nitty gritty..
We had planned for a cabin on our land, but since we could not get to the land, NO cabin

so we had two choices try to camp, in below freezing or pay for a hotel until our money ran out..
we came prepared mostly to camp so that was our goal. WE received a phone call from our church and they were upset we were considering camping and asked to meet with us.. SO off we went to meet them..
Now I do  not want people to get the wrong impression of my church, but the people I met were RUDE! accused me of not needing a nice house and implied we were careless and did not plan well enough and such... needless to say this pissed me off and I  said as much.. They sent us down the road to the next Church building. 
SOOO these people are seemingly nicer. There is a member who has rentals and one just happened to be open.. and said we were welcome.. I was afraid we would have to take our pets to the shelter, and was upset, but he is an animal lover and was fine..

The HOUSE IS NASTY DIRTY.. or at least it was.. just to point out the main gross me out points.. cockroach bodies, layers of dirt and grease on floor in kitchen. nasty stains in bathroom..

I could go on and on, but I will not because a wonderful sister and her children came and helped me get the place into shape! Much better and livable now..
We have had donations of beds and new pillows, got the kids enrolled in school, which they seem to like.
So the next thing was off to Joes job.. OH ya the run around to find out they filled his job the Friday before even after knowing we would be here Monday!
so job hunting and trying to adjust in a place I did not expect,  just trying to make it home..
Guess I am still looking for home.....

Last Days.....

Dang it! The worst thing about going and starting over is leaving all you have grown to love behind..
The devil was all up in my stuff this morning and choose to express himself through my TX. Anger and hurtful words ( yes we are a real family, no lies here) and everyone took part... I am ashamed of my re action but we were running late, and no one was getting dressed, and well there is NO excuse.. suffice to say I prayed and somehow got us all in the Van and made it to church with a few minutes to spare...

Our last Sunday here in the ward was both Happy and Sad.. Happy because My children and I have not always( ok rarely) been made to feel welcome here. Happy because some of the people who have judged me can never hurt me with their words or whispers again..
Sad because I did manage to meet a few women who I will miss. Just a few who actually treated me like I was a person not something to be examined found unworthy and passed over...
Sad because every ward or branch we go to becomes a part of us as we struggle to get these Kentucky people to accept what is different from them, and we become accustomed to what it is like..

seems strange for me to miss what was never a good fit, but that is how I am..
EVEN WORSE is having the last supper with my best friend Carrie and her youngest 2 children.. She has been my sounding board, the person who makes me laugh who gets what gets me pissed off.
Who forgave me for stupid things I did and said in the past, who was brave enough and cared enough to take me back as a friend.. I can not express what her friendship has meant to me.. we do not always see eye to eye, and that is part of what makes a great friendship..

I of course broke down in tears when we were leaving her home.. I snapped a couple photos with her and her kids because only Heaven knows when I will get to see them again..
My youngest son hugged Carrie and told her she should move with us on Saturday...it breaks my heart.

What I am most afraid of, and it may seem stupid and insecure, but that is part of who I am at this moment..What I am most afraid of is, what if people in Missouri are the same as here..
What if we are evaluated and judged and found lacking again..how can I keep pretending it is ok to my kids when no one talks to us at church or they go to class alone and say nothing to anyone..

I know it is silly to worry about, but as I am cleaning this week and yes still sorting all the junk I have collected at this home...this is primarily on my mind.








 me and my best friend Carrie who I hate to leave behind
 my two boys her boy and girl and my daughter

Me and her two kids...

I like my towels crunchy, sorta like toast! I love the smell of the outdoors on my shirts and pants and skirts.

I HATE CITY LIVING. I love animals big and small with the exception of opossums  they scare the crappo out of me..ya I cursed a little, but that is me as well..
I am 36 years old, and have 3 kids. I have been stuck living in city style surroundings since I left my parents home at 18.

I am finally a land owner. well I will be when all the payments are made.. truly very few people are real home or land owners, as most people still have mortgages and such.. but for the general public, I am a land owner!!
I never thought I would be able to say those words..nearly 7 acres in Missouri. Very excited to start this new chapter in our lives.. currently it is the end of January 2013, I am downsizing all our possessions gearing up to a more basic lifestyle in the woods..

more on that later, more on me later and more on everything later.. for now I need to pack, clean and learn how to make my blog  look more fancy like several of my friends have done.

                                                        this is our cat Shi-Mi

                                                            this is our Rubie

                                                                  this is Quarters

And the animals in this photo are my wonderful children ages 12,9 and 3 who are most often called the 3 T's