The devil was all up in my stuff this morning and choose to express himself through my TX. Anger and hurtful words ( yes we are a real family, no lies here) and everyone took part... I am ashamed of my re action but we were running late, and no one was getting dressed, and well there is NO excuse.. suffice to say I prayed and somehow got us all in the Van and made it to church with a few minutes to spare...
Our last Sunday here in the ward was both Happy and Sad.. Happy because My children and I have not always( ok rarely) been made to feel welcome here. Happy because some of the people who have judged me can never hurt me with their words or whispers again..
Sad because I did manage to meet a few women who I will miss. Just a few who actually treated me like I was a person not something to be examined found unworthy and passed over...
Sad because every ward or branch we go to becomes a part of us as we struggle to get these Kentucky people to accept what is different from them, and we become accustomed to what it is like..
seems strange for me to miss what was never a good fit, but that is how I am..
EVEN WORSE is having the last supper with my best friend Carrie and her youngest 2 children.. She has been my sounding board, the person who makes me laugh who gets what gets me pissed off.
Who forgave me for stupid things I did and said in the past, who was brave enough and cared enough to take me back as a friend.. I can not express what her friendship has meant to me.. we do not always see eye to eye, and that is part of what makes a great friendship..
I of course broke down in tears when we were leaving her home.. I snapped a couple photos with her and her kids because only Heaven knows when I will get to see them again..
My youngest son hugged Carrie and told her she should move with us on Saturday...it breaks my heart.
What I am most afraid of, and it may seem stupid and insecure, but that is part of who I am at this moment..What I am most afraid of is, what if people in Missouri are the same as here..
What if we are evaluated and judged and found lacking again..how can I keep pretending it is ok to my kids when no one talks to us at church or they go to class alone and say nothing to anyone..
me and my best friend Carrie who I hate to leave behind
my two boys her boy and girl and my daughter
Me and her two kids...
