Baggage, to heavy to carry, to confusing to drop?

it is funny  how the little things in life can either make or break your day...

I am in major process of redefining and finding myself! talk about hard! looking into your true self and picking apart the little things that bug you, figuring out where they came from, and how to get rid of them... UGGG

I have tons of baggage in my system... from my childhood, where my mother was deathly ill and my sisters and I were alone alot..( back then there were no "rules") I was responsible enough, but we fought tons! Physical fights, yelling screaming, pushing shoving.. I thought boys were supposed to be bad! We fought dirty, and I am proud to say I was not always on the losing end! LOL
 Trama from the reality that at age 12 my mother could of died, and in fact was in a coma for over a week... Living with strange people while my father sat in the hospital with her..

Fragments of memories, that seem to have no pattern, or reason for being there....some are good some are bad..

Baggage from my past relationships... which sadly still haunt me today... 
Healing is HELL.. ya I said it.. HELL.. Not that I know everything, but that is the strongest word that you the general public would get..
Stupid things can trigger panic, and flashbacks... smells, certain colors, sounds.. I never know when one will hit.. sometimes it is a happy one which i love because it is usually something I forgot to remember :)..other times painful..
I am learning tons about forgiveness... getting easier to forgive the ugly in the past... harder to forgive myself for past mistakes...
My bishop told me the other day, the past is done, you have paid your price and did what you could to make it right.. Quit bringing it up again! he is right.. but how to convince myself to just let it go???

guess that is why LIfe is a learning cycle.. Keep doing till you get it right!  

After it is all said and done, at the end of the day, I know that I am strong! I am able to make do, and can function with out worldly garbage.. I can resourceful, creative, and can say NO when needed.. I am able to ask those questions, all of them, and admit when I am wrong, as painful as that is....

I guess all the baggage I have has made me a pretty good person when it comes down to it..
excuse my rambling words, sometimes you just have to get it all out, even if it only makes sense to you

What is HOME?

 HOME. what a funny little four letter word that can mean so many different things to so many different people.
Is it where your house is? Is it where all your stuff is? Is it where you grew up or where your parents live?

With all the places we have lived and all the things we have been through, I have been longing for home.. Peace....belonging..

Guess what hit me like a ton of bricks.. and I should have realized this years ago.. Home is where my kids and husband are! so silly and simple in my case.. I have struggled to find that sense of home.. where we fit in and belong... searching for people who "get us"
WELL DUH I live with the best people in the world. they get me and love me( amazing) and accept me for who I am and I accept and love them right back. What a wonderful blessing from Our Heavenly Father!

Here we are all at a park.. Playing and swinging and on the see-saw thing.. Laughing and enjoying each others company.. NO time schedule, no rules.. NO pressure.. People looked at us.. OH well.. It was windy, and almost chili outside...but we had fun..
While I was taking these photos and others is when "HOME" hit me, right in the heart...I am so thankful that The Lord blessed me with this!

 SO next time I feel left out, forgettable, lonely, or hating the world.. I will try to sit back and remember  I am always HOME.. and there I will always be understood and loved.

Slow down and Look at your "home" is it what you thought it was??? I know that mine was not..and I am glad I found that out!

WE are supposed to be here!

It has been a crazy few weeks here in my home. We have taken our children out of the public form of education. WE had a huge sewer issue, plumbers and the city ended up getting involved, and looks like the gas company may have to pay for all the work done, as they put a hole in the city sewer line for the gas line!

We have had dinners at church members homes, I have started walking every Wednesday night with a friend, made a boy scout derby car and  spent some time strengthening our family. Joe and I have received new callings in the church as well! I now co teach the 5 yr old class..on the first day the most energetic boy sat with me and listened.. they all had hugs for me when It was time to go home. what a great feeling. Joe is going to be Scout leader.. Tx is very excited to have Joe in charge and I know it will be a great bonding activity for them..

My daughter and I had some " adventures in Hair Dye" it was bright Gold, then Orange and now finally more like a copper color! it was fun and I am glad we settled on a color I could let her live with..The boys and I have been baking! yes I let my 4 and 9 yr olds loose in the kitchen! they are becoming pros at Banana bread and Brownies... Not the healthiest but they enjoy it and are learning all about measuring and fractions....
We also have decided to try transitioning to a gluten free diet, and adding more grains to our diet... It is a world of change at our home!

As for me... well I have been a bit depressed or freaked out or something... I have been doing a lot of the driving lately, and I think the underlying fears from my past are bugging me big time.. I am considering trying a new kind of therapy, something I have never tried before..but have read tons of great reviews about.. I know several people who have tried or are using this system.. I prayed about it and as soon as I am feeling up to the drive I am doing it.. More on that later.

Joe is doing wonderful at his JOB!! In fact he is now going to be trained for a new position and that will mean a better pay. More money will help up catch up with everything, and hopefully enable us to get moved soon, as the place we are in is NOT the place for us.. however we are STILL thankful to be where we are..

I am not able to express enough how grateful I am that we landed in a safe place, and that their was a house available for us and that the home owner let us in with out question, even the pets... the Lord Did indeed need us here! And I am so thankful that we had Faith enough to Listen when he said for us to go..

Until next time.... May the LORD Bless you...