Baggage, to heavy to carry, to confusing to drop?

it is funny  how the little things in life can either make or break your day...

I am in major process of redefining and finding myself! talk about hard! looking into your true self and picking apart the little things that bug you, figuring out where they came from, and how to get rid of them... UGGG

I have tons of baggage in my system... from my childhood, where my mother was deathly ill and my sisters and I were alone alot..( back then there were no "rules") I was responsible enough, but we fought tons! Physical fights, yelling screaming, pushing shoving.. I thought boys were supposed to be bad! We fought dirty, and I am proud to say I was not always on the losing end! LOL
 Trama from the reality that at age 12 my mother could of died, and in fact was in a coma for over a week... Living with strange people while my father sat in the hospital with her..

Fragments of memories, that seem to have no pattern, or reason for being there....some are good some are bad..

Baggage from my past relationships... which sadly still haunt me today... 
Healing is HELL.. ya I said it.. HELL.. Not that I know everything, but that is the strongest word that you the general public would get..
Stupid things can trigger panic, and flashbacks... smells, certain colors, sounds.. I never know when one will hit.. sometimes it is a happy one which i love because it is usually something I forgot to remember :)..other times painful..
I am learning tons about forgiveness... getting easier to forgive the ugly in the past... harder to forgive myself for past mistakes...
My bishop told me the other day, the past is done, you have paid your price and did what you could to make it right.. Quit bringing it up again! he is right.. but how to convince myself to just let it go???

guess that is why LIfe is a learning cycle.. Keep doing till you get it right!  

After it is all said and done, at the end of the day, I know that I am strong! I am able to make do, and can function with out worldly garbage.. I can resourceful, creative, and can say NO when needed.. I am able to ask those questions, all of them, and admit when I am wrong, as painful as that is....

I guess all the baggage I have has made me a pretty good person when it comes down to it..
excuse my rambling words, sometimes you just have to get it all out, even if it only makes sense to you