Healing from DV

everytime I move I am afraid he will find us..a friend of mine ssaw my ex at the local wal mart... they told me he was asking where we lived, if they had any photos he could have.. he wanted to know what we were doing, where they went to school, who I was with...My sister saw him a month or so ago, and I wonder if it was an accident..
My father and sister want me to come and visit them.. I would love to, however, I remember the last words my ex said to me, and they still scare me to the core..IF I EVER SEE YOU OR YOUR DAUGHTER AGAIN, I WILL KILL YOU OR HAVE YOU KILLED.. I have my spies, they will find you and you will pay for ever leaving me and taking my son..
I know his threats are not empty.. he held a gun to my head, fully loaded and cocked, threatened to take my kids life in front of me unless I did what HE wanted...when we were running from him before we left the state   we had people follow us, he would call and leave messages of what I did that day...

we were running for about 3 years.. 3 years of him finding us, people following us... the police could only do so much due to laws and since we were never touched they did nothing...
 so every time we move, I get freaked... is this the place he finds us.. will he be behind me in a car.. is someone following me?? I did not drive for a month when we moved here.. I have to get my self mentally ready to drive, so I am not constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering if I saw that car before, or wondering if he will be next to me at the stop light.. 
I have a mini heart attack any time I see a man who slightly resembles HIM, because I am sure I am dead if he sees me..
I know that this notion is crazy to those who have not lived through what I have.. I have been out of state away from him for 4 and a half years...I should be safe.. but in this town I do not know where the safe places are, I do not know all the roads and ally's to make an escape...I still do not take a direct route anywhere unless I am low on gas.. I often get my self turned around and frustrated, I tell my kids I am just easily lost, and I get mad because I do not know where I am.. truth is I get mini panic attacks when I have not prepared to drive, because I am sure he will find us..
I know being afraid still Is just giving him power over me, I know that I can kick this! It is a hard thing to talk about, but this online journal or blog is just one step of getting it out there and starting to heal..




DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.........It can mean so many things..DV is more than having someone kick your ass or knock you around for no reason, or for reasons they make up. DV is the threats, cruel words, and actions that cause you to "behave" in another persons required way. It can be sexual.. let me tie you up or do this or this.. or  I will do it to YOUR CHILD.. YOUR PET... 
Threats, mean words, controlling actions..abuse emotionally sexually or physically. Some times abuse is all of the above, sometimes it is only one, like emotionally or mentally, belittling comments. I could go on and on..

I am not an expert.. I am not a dr or someone who went to school and therapy for years who is now "certified" to know what to tell you..What I am is a survivor...

I can not express how important it is to get out of that situation.
 Still to this day, 4 years free from my abusers violence threats and consequences..I can not tell you why I stayed so long. I can not say why I loved this person.. I can not explain how this person had everyone in my family and most of my friends convinced that he was the "perfect husband" Mr. perfect In public that is..

Most often what ever I did in public I paid for at home.. Most of the time the second we hit the driveway with no warning no explanation.

My children had places that I helped them find to hide where he would never look for them or where he could not fit.. They learned to be quiet...at the time of highest abuse  My daughter was in kinder garden, my son was nearly 3...That year I left twice..I can not count how many times I had left before that.. and as far as statistics go, I suffered the abuse for a much shorter time period than most women do.. I had known him since high school, and he kept track of me for years... I started talking to him when my daughter was nearly 2.. Like a dumb dumb I married him when she was 3.IT started small, little jealousy's small actions, then progressed to worse things... he never worked, he never cleaned the home. he controlled the money. He was more demanding, more obsessive, I do not even remember when the physical abuse started.. or the sexual.. Yes I was raped by my husband. Yes that is possible.. He did not own because we were married...Somehow he convinced me that he did or that I deserved what I got or I owed him....

As I am sorting out things preparing for this move, I have run across  photos of him, my TX's sperm donor  it brought back a flood of horrid memories, and images in my mind, to the extreme. I have not slept well for fear that I will be there again......I have not stopped checking on my children in the middle of the night, checking on them during the day.. I guess I still think they may be in trouble if I do not keep an eye on them..
I know it is silly, and my kids deserve more freedom, and trust me we have made much growth in that department..
Any ways to much garbage boiling up to the surface now.. I still can not believe I made it out and made it away from him, and that my children had to endure very little themselves other than what they witnessed.. Most kids are not so lucky....more when I can...